Alternative Medicine

I’m not really into pot…at all. I like my CBD oil at night, but that’s it. I’ve smoked pot 2 times and each time it made me sleepy. I’m already tired all the time. I also had a cookie once. Well, half a cookie…. that my extremely pot tolerant brother made for himself. He didn’t tell me I shouldn’t eat all of it. I was paranoid and time traveling. Not my idea of a good time.

Last year someone I know went to Colorado and brought back a gummy for me. I just left it in the baggie and forgot about it.

Until last night.

I had a meltdown because my PCP is a sexist ass. He told me my hip pain was all in my head and due to my mental issues and that I needed to talk to my psychiatrist about being able to move past the discomfort.

I was like, bitch, all I do is push past discomfort. Not to mention the only reason I am seeing a psych is because he won’t prescribe my ADD meds.

He never even tried to give me a physical exam. I did get him to give me a referral for an orthopedic surgeon after I started silently crying.

After I left I had a full on melt down. I’m so sick of people not listening to me and acting like I’m just not working hard enough. They have no idea how hard I’ve worked my whole life. How hard I have to work just get them to listen. Screw them. Except, I need them.

I got home and wanted to give up. I was so tired and just feeling hopeless. Then I remembered the gummy. I thought, why not? My back was killing me too and I just wanted some stress relief.

I am a convert. I was not high and it made my body relaxed and my mind clear. Basically everything I’ve ever wanted from my medication. My nose was even clear so that must mean it helped with the inflammation too.

I’m so lucky my state just legalized it for next year. I can’t wait until January, though. I can’t believe they refused to put autism on the medical list for my state. I know it’s only because they see autism as a kid’s disorder. So annoying.

I am also looking up work from home jobs. I plan on lying in my hammock while I work and hopefully build up to 20 hours a week. Lying in the hammock isn’t because I’m lazy, either. lol I need it for my back and the SPD.

Let’s Talk About Person First Language…

The more I learn about autism research the angrier it makes me. It’s never been about us. It’s all about helping NTs feel more comfortable with us.

Obviously, person first language is meant to remind people we are human.That seems like a good idea. We want people to see us as human.

However, I realized that means saying “autistic person” makes them subhuman. People hear “not human” when we say autistic. That’s harmful in so many ways and I think we need to fix that instead of using person first language. Let me explain.

Once they see autistic people as human, it will just be something else that’s not human, especially if we fucking change the wording to make them feel more comfortable about us.

It’s just another way of masking.

People say you can’t force society to do xyz. Yes, you can. In fact, that’s the only way it changes. Change is only possible when it is more uncomfortable to stay the same. We have to make it too uncomfortable for them to keep dehumanizing us. How do we do that? By admitting we are autistic. By speaking out against the discrimination and the shitty research methods. By literally telling them over and over they are wrong and proving it. By not capitulating and making it nice for them.

I’m autistic. I’m an autistic person. Fuck person first language. An autist is a person. Yes, my disability defines me because it literally describes how my brain works and how I perceive the world, which by definition is who I am.

“Steven Pinker, a giant in linguistics and cognitive science, wrote of autistic people, ‘together, with robots and chimpanzees, people with autism remind us that cultural learning is possible only because neurologically normal people have innate equipment to accomplish it.’

Ivar Lovaas, the father of applied behavior analysis, one of the most commonly used therapies for autism, said of autistic children,’you have a person in the physical sense — they have hair, a nose and a mouth — but they are not people in the psychological sense.’ He applied electric shocks, pinches and slaps to autistic children in order to, in his view, make us into real human people.”

If those men are what humanity is, I don’t want to be human. I also have absolutely no interest in making anyone like that comfortable. In fact, I want them to be so uncomfortable they either realize they are wrong or slither away.

Meltdowns and Why They Aren’t Temper Tantrums

My awful, no good, very bad counselor, whom I refuse to see any more, tried to tell me that I just needed to learn to control my emotions.

This was when I was talking about meltdowns.

The fact that I didn’t tell her to fuck off is proof I can control my emotions. That point sailed right passed her, though.

I can control my emotions. Let’s use yesterday as an example (not really yesterday, I write these ahead and schedule them, but yesterday to me now.) I had a Dr appt with a Dr I know invalidates me and treats me like I’m a lazy idiot. I had anxiety all day, went to the Dr., he did what he does, then sent me to the hospital for tests. The tests really aggravated my sciatic pain and I was at about a 6-7 on the pain scale the rest of the day. I get home and walk one of my dogs. He’s sprayed by a skunk. I live in like 200 sqft and now my dog smells like skunk. I get back to the RV only to find out my electricity is off. This makes me furious. Why? Because it’s going to be a heat wave starting tomorrow and my landlord said I had until Aug 1 to get caught up. I have a male friend call him and ask wtf. I was livid at the idea he turned it off early and probably to get me to pay so I’d have AC during the heat wave. He was mad at me the day before because he thought I was being flippant, but I wasn’t. He also has reason to think I have plenty of money right now, but I gave all that to him and Navient back in May. I definitely yelled at cursed at that one, but not at him or where he could hear me. Just to myself and my friend. The AC was turned back on and he said he didn’t do it on purpose. I will choose to believe that.

Anyway, this morning, I was thinking about yesterday and I thought, it was a pretty decent day. Then I remembered everything that happened and had to laugh. That really is a decent day for me. I didn’t let any of those events ruin my day or cause me any more stress than what was in that moment. I let them go each time. Even the smelly dog. I febreezed him so I can’t smell it. I might just be nose blind to it at this point.

That shows emotional resilience. The fact I didn’t melt down shows I’m not just throwing a temper tantrum when life doesn’t go my way. A little bit with the landlord, but again, I didn’t take it out on him and it was short lived.

Now, the meltdown scenario:
Weeks ago, I had a meltdown. I was in a very sensory overloaded place and a guy was mean to me. I don’t care that he was mean. I grew up with abusive people who knew exactly what to say to make me feel like garbage. A stranger’s opinion does not make me cry.

However, being bullied while overloaded, in a place I was starting to feel safe in, while I was hungry and recovering from travel and a disrupted routine will absolutely make me bawl uncontrollably for hours. I was able to hold it in until I left, but just barely.

I’d go into detail so you could understand the exact build up, but I’m getting tired and all you really need to know is that the crying was just my brain and my nervous system doing something drastic to reset after a prolonged assault on my system that culminated in a guy being a jerk. It might have looked like that was the main reason I cried. It definitely was mean and meant to upset me. I would just never bawl for hours because of such a thing alone.

Executive Function Check In

I’m actually posting this instead of doing my morning routine. Sigh.

Ever since I came back from a trip to Europe I can not get back into my routine and EF practice. I keep starting and stalling.

My house has been the worst it has ever been. I had to have a friend come clean it twice for me because I couldn’t stand it, but also couldn’t help myself other than to ask for help. That’s pretty tough for me.

I am trying to get a home help person. I know I’ll be rejected because I don’t look disabled. I really need the help though. My insurance sent me an application weeks ago, but I lost it before I could fill it out. Of course. Because I need help. It’s like they don’t even pay attention to what they are doing.

My house is a little better and I did start doing art again. I just can’t focus on getting my routine together. I am also a little burnt out still from socializing two days ago. I’m trying to just be happy I’m being productive at all, even if it isn’t how I think it should be.

I don’t know why, but I’m feeling very happy today. Just excited about life for no reason. Yesterday was a day so I don’t know why today feels positive. I should write a post about yesterday to explain the difference between meltdowns and temper tantrums. I think I shall.


It’s The Little Things…

That remind me I’m autistic.

Yesterday, I had a terrible Dr. appt., but that’s not the point. At said Dr. appt, the nurse told me I needed to go get tests done. This is in an office outside of a hospital and I have only ever seen Drs in hospitals where I just walk down the hall for any tests.

I asked, “Where do I go?”

She replied, “Anywhere.”

In my head, I know Wal-Mart doesn’t do x-rays and the like so I needed her to be more specific.

“I don’t understand what you mean by ‘anywhere.'”

Her response, “Any hospital.”  Then she started listing them.

Yeah, that makes sense. I literally had no idea I could go in to any hospital and get tests done with an order from a Dr who wasn’t in that hospital. That’s probably normal, if you’ve never had to think about it. It was the, “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘anywhere,'” and the idea of Wal-Mart doing x-rays that made chuckle at my autistic nature.

Of course I know what anywhere means. I didn’t know what it meant in that context, other than not Wal-Mart.

Why I Can’t Find A Good Man

All my life I just wanted a family, not necessarily kids, but a family. I love the idea of love and I work really hard at relationships. I’m also kind and funny and compassionate and I give great gifts.

And of course, autistic.

After my first boyfriend, I begged G-d not to let me get into a pattern of the same relationship over and over. Instead, it’s gotten worse.

Good men aren’t attracted to me, even though I’m decently attractive. Many people are quick to placate me or say it’s because I just haven’t met the right person. Okay, but I could have at least dated good men and just not married them because they didn’t work out. I don’t need to marry the first good man who comes along to date me.

So, why aren’t these men attracted to me? Because I can say mean or harsh things or at least what seem mean and harsh if you don’t know me and understand autism. Also, I don’t pick up on their signals and they think I am rejecting them.

Back to the first part, anyone with any self-esteem will not put up with someone who is mean or harsh. I could easily say if they judge me so quickly, maybe they aren’t that nice, but let’s be real. They shouldn’t put up with someone mean or overly harsh. Granted, they should communicate and try to understand, but that’s not our society. They shouldn’t jump to making excuses for my behavior because someone could just be mean or overly harsh, then they have just made themselves accustomed to being treated poorly. That’s not okay.

The guys who actually date me either over look my social ineptness because they want to use me for sex or they see me as someone they can manipulate and control because I come across as someone with no back bone and I don’t pick up on social cues that would warn other people someone is a sociopath. I am also fairly hard to offend so I miss things other women would never put up with. I’m trusting and fiercely loyal and basically a narcissists wet dream, except when I say something harsh and mean. Or so you’d think. Except, they can use that as a way to make me feel terrible about myself and gaslight me into believing they are the only ones who could ever put up with me. I make it so hard to love me and they are so benevolent….

I don’t see their manipulative behavior until long after the relationship is ended. I just feel unhappy and anxious and depressed. Then I blame myself for not being grateful enough. I blame myself because if I was just nicer everything would be fine. Once this semester is over, things will be better. I if, then myself to death.

The bummer is that I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to get a man to see me for me when most of them seem to see women in general as people. (That’s not me being bitter, that’s the reality. Not all men, I know. I don’t have time to explain and there’s google, please don’t send hate mail.)

Not to mention, every story of an ASD/NT relationship is an ASD man/NT woman or they were married before the woman new she was ASD. Somehow, she slipped by the guy’s radar. However, I know I’m ASD now and I can’t not tell someone I’m dating. ASD is not something most men want to date. Again, I could tell myself they just aren’t good men then, but again, let’s be real. There’s so much stigma and I can’t blame them.

No one wants to be in that super vulnerable first stage of dating/crushes and have their crush say something that sounds judgmental. It feels terrible and makes you think they must not like you. It sucks. I don’t want anyone to feel that way around me, especially someone I like and feel vulnerable towards. I want to make them feel good. I’m glad they don’t stick around, for their sake.

I just wish I didn’t end up with abusive guys in return. Maybe one day someone will get to know me and then realize they like me, but until then I just need to keep practicing and improving myself and enjoying who I am, because for the most part, I do.

It’s Not All Bad

I know, my posts are probably a bit of a bummer, but it’s really not all bad. I highly doubt I would opt for a “cure” if they had one. I might if I could try it out for 24hrs first, but that’s mostly because I’m curious like that. I’d try out being a guy for 24hrs. I definitely don’t want to be one, though.

I like the way I think. I like the way I see the world. I find my quirks amusing and silly and ME. I like that I’m fiercely loyal and compassionate and sensitive.

I just don’t like the way NTs treat me or what they assume about me because they watched Rain Man 30 years ago.

When I don’t have to talk to people who don’t know me, I’m so much happier. I forget there’s anything different about me.