I spent what felt like the whole week paranoid and full of anxiety because everything suddenly felt weird. (Luckily, I did actually have a good week with lots of relaxing things in between this.) Like I was missing something. The reason I was paranoid and anxious is because that’s what it was like when I was a kid or my last full-time job where I didn’t know what I did or what was coming, but I had clearly fucked something up.
It feels like people are gossiping and being standoffish. But I don’t know why. I don’t know what changed and the only way I can find out is by asking one of them. If I do that, past experience has shown they will deny anything is wrong and then go gossip about how I asked if something was wrong.
I don’t know how people exist like this in their normal, every day relationships. Why not just tell people what’s up?
I also tend to forget that when I’m new to a group, everyone else is already loyal to the group and they use gossip like currency. The group will send a scout to find out info about me and then they watch every little move. This is one reason I think I hate going places alone. At least if I have another person, it’s easier to blend into the group or at least have some cover.
Basically, this week comes down to NTs thinking everyone is like them and experiences society the way they do. Yet, we are told autistic people do that and are bad for it.
It’s like when I see, for example, white people who are super nice and giving to other white people, but if a black person is in the same position, they are harsh. If you’re only kind and compassionate to people just like you, how kind and compassionate are you really?
If you can only empathize with people who are just like you, how empathetic are you, really?
Seriously, most of the social difficulties with ASD are from NTs thinking everyone socializes the way they do, yet because we don’t, they judge us and think we are rude. They don’t try to understand even when I flat out tell them I have trouble socializing and I don’t understand underlying social cues. It’s all about them and they way they perceive everything.
In my experience anyway.
I also have a friend right now who is mad at me because I “don’t answer the phone.” I thoroughly explained to her I’m in a dead cell area and I hate phone calls anyway because they are hard for me.
I do answer her calls though. I also call her back. I just can’t put in as much effort into that as she does. Which I explained.
It’s frustrating more than anything. Like, why do I get blamed when she refuses to learn to text? Why should I be forced to do something that is physically and mentally draining when she could learn to do something she doesn’t have a medical condition making more difficult for her? Especially when I do push myself to do it and she doesn’t move an inch?